Seven on this Sunday

  1. I’ve had a rough few weeks with one thing and another. My new meds have seemingly made me exhausted all. the. time. No amount of vitamins, fresh air or exercise seem to help and so it takes every ounce of sheer willpower to get one or two things done on my daily to-do list.
  2. Speaking of fresh air and exercise, my little Fitbit Zip has revitalised my motivation to get off my rear-end and move a little more. I try to walk three to five miles every day, often I do at least one of the ‘school run’ journeys on foot, and I am loving it. I love the way my body takes over so my brain can rest. I walk in to town, around the local country park, down to the village, anything to force myself out of the house. It’s my daily therapy.
  3. Waiting waiting waiting. I’m waiting for the results of my health assessment, I’m waiting to find out if cycle number five has been our lucky number and I’m waiting for a potential back-payment of some money I have been underpaid. Waiting, and willing very positive results for all three.
  4. Downton Abbey returns tonight. That is VERY good news.
  5. Little has attended school for two weeks already. How fast the time flies, and I still miss him every day. It does me good though, to have a few hours and the opportunity to just stop when I need to. Littlest is all consuming, whether he wants to read, play or just talk, and I love that about him but I do struggle to keep up with his pace. I appreciate the opportunity to regroup and rebalance, but boy do I miss him.
  6. Would-be husband is my hero. He has really been stepping up for me lately, helping me practically and supportively and it’s reminded me that, forgetting the average spousal niggles that we all encounter, I really am grateful for our relationship and the love that we share as a couple and as a family.
  7. I greedily binge-watched all three seasons of Luther over the last week. I can’t believe it took me so long, but it was worth it, what a fabulous series! Oh, and Idris Elba. Yep. Idris Elba…
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After several ‘un-picks’ and eighty inches of lace pattern border later I have finally managed to finish the blanket that I knitted for Sands and their wonderful memory box initiative. 

To see how you can help too, visit www.uk-sands.org

After several ‘un-picks’ and eighty inches of lace pattern border later I have finally managed to finish the blanket that I knitted for Sands and their wonderful memory box initiative.

To see how you can help too, visit www.uk-sands.org

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A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.
Agatha Christie
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Truthful Tuesday

I am bloody knackered. All day, every day.

That is all for now.

7

Big Week

What an understatement. Having got over the hurdle of ‘LFDABS’ (littlest’s first day at big school) and the ensuing anxiety attacks, I had to brace myself in preparation for travelling to London to attend my ATOS (group hired by the government to decide whether or not they believe that I’m unfit for work…apparently your own GPs word is not enough) assessment. I was petrified. Not of the possibility that they might rule against me, but simply of the journey, the waiting, the talking and attempt at explaining. Petrified that I wouldn’t be able to explain myself well enough, that they wouldn’t understand.

Well, it’s done now and I did everything I could. I answered all of the assessor’s questions (in between bouts of tears) and told the truth with as much detail and as many recent examples as I could remember. So now we wait. I saw my doctor today and it is his intention to continue to keep me certified as unfit for work so I pray that these ATOS dudes accept all information that they’ve been presented with and agreed that I should continue to receive support.

To change the subject, littlest is getting on brilliantly at school. I totally underestimated his ability to adapt and I am so very, very proud. Not once has he cried, clung or told me he doesn’t want to go. He seems to have taken to it wonderfully and I really look forward to picking him up and asking him all about his day (I also miss him LOADS). The only downside is that littlest comes out absolutely shattered and 4pm - 5pm is ratbaggy meltdown time. I’ve learned that what littlest needs is time to sit quietly and to have his dinner pronto. He seems to be extra hungry even though I always take a snack for him when I collect him. Usually though, after a sit down and some dinner, then he settles down. In fact, we’ve taken to having a walk in the early evening. Well, I walk and littlest takes in the fresh air from his comfy buggy (we’d not get more than 200 yards if he were to walk, before he’d start complaining). So I walk and littlest relaxes and we talk, stop to look at the vapour trails the airplanes make, we talk some more and stop again, this time to collect a feather that littlest has spotted. It’s therapeutic for both of us and when we are sufficiently de-stressed by the fresh air we head home for snuggles with would-be husband before bedtime.

We are finding our new groove and it’s alright.

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Nailing this shizz!

Nailing this shizz!

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Day One:  Done

Thank goodness for that.  Day one is done and, joy of joys, littlest was great.  No tears, no lamenting the fact that he has to go again tomorrow, nothing.  I am SO proud of him.  

Six and a half hours and one major anxiety attack later, and my little school boy is home.  He was happy to tell me what he’d been doing and what he had for lunch.

He did so great.  Me?  Not so much, but I expected that and I feel an awful lot better knowing that littlest had a happy day.  

Phew!

Day One: Done

Thank goodness for that. Day one is done and, joy of joys, littlest was great. No tears, no lamenting the fact that he has to go again tomorrow, nothing. I am SO proud of him.

Six and a half hours and one major anxiety attack later, and my little school boy is home. He was happy to tell me what he’d been doing and what he had for lunch.

He did so great. Me? Not so much, but I expected that and I feel an awful lot better knowing that littlest had a happy day.

Phew!

16

A New Normal

Oh, for the love of god, you’d be forgiven for thinking I was giving my son up tomorrow. I’ve been in a terrible state all day with anxiety levels through the roof. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, shaking and tearful and I’ve been like that on and off (mostly on) all day.

I know, I know, it’s only school. Yes, littlest will cry when I drop him off until he settles with this new change and yes I know he will be fine. It’s more than just first timer nerves though. This is what my illness does to me. My meds certainly help to keep me even on a day-by-day basis, but any change to the norm (planned or unplanned) will set me off like this.

I can’t even begin to list the things I’m worrying about, I don’t even think it is anything specific but the change as a whole. I now need to start working to a schedule again, something I find very hard, I need to be organised (previously my forte, but now my brain will struggle to remember something I was told five minutes ago). It’s not just feeling anxious for littlest and for missing my baby, sorry, grown up boy! It’s anxiety for new pressures, expectations and unknown fears. I can’t even begin to describe how debilitating it can be.

I’ll be glad to get to the end of the week and hopefully into something resembling a new normal. In the meantime, I sure am going to miss my little boy but I’m also going to appreciate the time to take better care of my home (and myself!).

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4.09pm: step target smashed!

4.09pm: step target smashed!

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